I Am Nobody Read online

  To all who have suffered:

  You are not alone, you will be heard, and you will be understood.

  Grief fills the room up of my absent child,

  Lies in his bed, walks up and down with me,

  Puts on his pretty looks, repeats his words,

  Remembers me of all his gracious parts,

  Stuffs out his vacant garments with his form;

  Then, have I reason to be fond of grief?

  Fare you well: had you such a loss as I,

  I could give better comfort than you do.

  I will not keep this form upon my head,

  When there is such disorder in my wit.

  —King John (Act III, Scene IV), William Shakespeare

  CONTENTS

  A Call to Action

  Prologue: I Am Nobody

  Chapter One: Just a Boy

  Chapter Two: The Predator

  Chapter Three: Attacked

  Chapter Four: Trapped

  Chapter Five: Escape to Princeton

  Chapter Six: This Is the Law

  Chapter Seven: Corporate Life

  Chapter Eight: Choosing to Live

  Chapter Nine: Coming Forward

  Chapter Ten: Justice for None

  Chapter Eleven: Recovery

  Chapter Twelve: Moving the Law Forward

  Epilogue: Alive and Kicking

  Postscript

  Acknowledgments

  About the Author

  A CALL TO ACTION

  IF YOU HAVE been sexually abused, fight on, no matter how dark things may seem, no matter how difficult your situation may be, because you can come through and survive your battle and live a good, meaningful life. Reach out to others and let their goodness shine upon you and help carry you along your journey to inner peace, wherever that may lead you.

  If you haven’t been abused, please give freely of your love and support to those who have been abused, for we need you and your help more than you can ever know.

  But if you have sexually abused another, pay your debt to society and get all the help you need to ensure that it will never, ever happen again—for it can never, ever happen again. Accept responsibility for what you have done, no matter how unfair it may seem to you, and accept all of the consequences you may have to endure because of your actions, all of the restrictions you will face in your future. Respect your victims. Do not make excuses. Do not in any way minimize the impact ‑of what you have done to your victims. Do not try to pretend that there was any good you may have done along the way that could in any way offset even part of the bad that you have done. Failing that, go to hell.

  PROLOGUE

  I AM NOBODY

  I’M STANDING IN the parking lot of a local community hockey arena. The rink—plain, rectangular, designed like an industrial warehouse—could be anywhere. It’s a cool, still, gray day in the middle of a Canadian winter, snow gently falling, the type of day where every kid should be outside skating and playing, living life to its fullest. It makes me think back to all the hours we spent playing hockey outside, how good it felt to skate with the wind at our backs, how brutally awful it was to have to turn around and skate back into it. In an instant I am again feeling that cold air biting through my equipment, I am remembering how it felt to freeze into my own sweat. For a moment it’s real, and I want to fall back into it, I want to give myself completely over to the memory of the sound of our skates squeaking as we stood and rocked back and forth in the intense cold, listening while our coaches set out the next drill. I want to be that kid again, getting ready for the next drill while sniffling back a runny nose in the thick fog of our heavy breathing, all of us needing to start moving again to generate some body heat. I can even smell the hot chocolate that was always served to us when we were very young and came inside after our battle with the elements, the true victors being those who could get their skates off quickest and be the first to grab the hot water bottles to warm their frozen feet.

  But I’m not a kid anymore, and the game left me with other memories, too.

  I enter the arena. I see people milling about, kids dragging equipment bags bigger than the bags I took with me when I went away to university. The scene is chaotic. The arena, like most others, is crowded, not designed for the crush of people. There are children and adults everywhere. And then it starts, something that always happens to me whenever I am at a rink (or in any public space, for that matter). I start scanning the room looking at every adult male trying to figure out why each one is there in the midst of the kids. That one in the corner—is he a parent? Have I seen him before? What is that guy doing over there? Are those kids by the door being watched by their parents? That coach kidding around with the kids on his team—is that normal, or is he getting a little too personal with some of them?

  Ten steps later and it has passed. I’ve made it into the dressing room of the team that I coach and all is well. Just the hockey team enters, the boys and the other coaches. Here we can all have fun and the kids can revel in the pure joy of playing hockey. That world out there, the big scary one we all encounter daily, that world doesn’t exist in the energetic lead-up to going out on the ice and playing. On the ice, the kids do things with such speed and grace that you sometimes have to remind yourself just how young they are. Here, one thing and only one thing matters to them: hockey. When they are at the rink hockey becomes their entire world. There is no school, no homework, just a safe place where they can push themselves athletically and at the same time play.

  At least, it’s supposed to be safe.

  I loved hockey. I still do. Hockey was where I was most comfortable. On the ice I felt completely in control of everything around me. I excelled at hockey and was confident in a way I never was anyplace else. I saw the game and understood its patterns. I was a part of teams and understood the internal dynamics of how teams operated. I could see who was struggling, who needed to work harder, who needed to be pushed, who needed to be supported. It all just came naturally to me. I was at peace in my hockey equipment—the world made sense, I had an identity, and I was proud.

  But then, in 1979, when I was fourteen years old, I met Graham James, the once-prominent, celebrated hockey coach. Graham groomed me and then sexually assaulted me over a period of several years into the early 1980s. That changed the way I would see hockey, the way I would see life, forever.

  Books like this are usually written by people who are “somebodies”—celebrities, athletes, prominent business people, politicians, or other persons of note. They have a built-in audience, and their views are accorded greater weight and importance than those of a nobody. That makes sense, because as much as the media (and those who sell books) love a good story, those stories need an audience.

  But I am nobody, just a victim (or survivor, if you prefer that word, and I understand why many do). I’m not a former professional hockey player, nor was I ever that close to being one. I’m not a “woulda, coulda, shoulda” type who can’t get over the fact that but for this or that I might have been a star. All one can ever know is who I once was, who I became during and after the abuse, and who I am now. I’m just me, once a young boy with promise who had the misfortune of crossing paths with, and then drawing the attention of, a serial sexual predator. Now I am a man who is, decades later, finally putting his life into place.

  Because I’m a nobody, you have no connection to me. You don’t know me, so you don’t bring with you any preconceived notions of who I once was, who I am now, and what my struggle did to me. You have no particular reason to care one way or another about me. You haven’t compartmentalized me in any way as somebody you see in the media, in the headlines, on the screens. I’m completely removed from your world while still being a part of it. There is distance between us.

>   But I could be somebody right next door. I could be the kid from around the corner, the one you used to see playing on your street but who you never really knew. I could be anybody you see when you look out your window. What happened to me could have happened to anybody around you. Maybe it happened to you. And that’s what makes this a horror story, because child sexual abuse happens far more than most people realize. It happens in places where most would never believe it possible, and it is committed by people you would never believe capable of committing such a heinous act.

  Most people around me know nothing of the real me, the one I have hidden for far too long. I promised myself when I set out to write this book that I would not gloss over how bad things got or the living hell that sexual assault inflicts on its victims. I promised myself that I wouldn’t make myself out to be stronger than I was and that I would explain that survival and recovery are not always easy or even possible. I promised myself that I would show just how awful abuse can be as I try to come to grips with it and its impact, accepting the past for what it is, and moving forward with recovery. Anything less, any sanitized version of things, would disrespect anybody else who has suffered sexual abuse. Anything less could lead those who are dealing with the same things I am to conclude that there must be something wrong with them, to ask, “Why isn’t he having the same trouble I am having? Why isn’t he facing the difficulties that I am? What about these things that I have to do to try to protect myself that seem to be nowhere on his radar?” I hope that by being completely honest about my struggles I can show others who may be dealing with the same things that they are not alone in their efforts to survive, to find meaning in life, and to flourish while showing the full horror of sexual abuse and its long-term impact.

  Still, even after all of these years, after years and years of therapy, I don’t really get it. None of it ever really makes sense.

  We all live with our inner voice, the one that is always with us. It is the voice from which we cannot run, the constant in our life that brings us back to our reality, no matter how good we may try to make things look to others in our social media postings, in our daily lives with our smiles and our banter, in our routine comings and goings. Our inner voice does not express an objective truth but rather the way we see ourselves in our world. My inner voice has tormented me:

  Why did this happen?

  How did it happen?

  Who were you?

  Who are you?

  I can try to explain it, but deep down I just don’t know. I can say all the words, but they are empty, meaningless attempts at ascribing reason to something so outside the realm of what could even be contemplated as a remotely reasonable experience. And that’s what makes all of this so difficult to live with. That’s what makes his abusing me so horrific to me. I don’t understand how it happened to me. I may never be able to understand and accept to my core what happened, why it happened, and how it happened. I understand at an intellectual level how a victim can become powerless and succumb to a predator, but I still do not fully accept that it could have happened to me, that it did happen to me.

  Writing this book has been tough for me. I had to revisit how Graham got to me, controlled me, made me do things I didn’t want to do. I have to admit and accept that he was able to get at me, defeat me, tear me apart physically and mentally, rip the life out of me. Everything in my recovery has been about taking back my life, asserting my power and control over who I am and what I will be. Stepping back into my past to write this book was to relive my destruction. Yet in doing so I somehow found my voice, I managed to better understand and accept what had happened, and am better and stronger for having done so.

  I am nobody important, nobody of note. I’m just a nobody who was sexually abused by that once-prominent hockey coach, a nobody who because of the abuse actually became nobody at all and believed that I deserved everything that had happened to me, that I deserved to fail at everything in life, that I deserved to be shunned, that I deserved to die.

  Except I am still here.

  This is my story.

  ONE

  JUST A BOY

  I AM A CHILD of the Canadian prairies, born in Winnipeg in 1964 in the middle of a very cold winter while my dad, choosing his first love over the waiting room, circled the hospital in his car, listening to the radio for hockey scores from the Innsbruck Winter Olympics.

  “Winnipeg” comes from the Cree word win-nipi which, roughly translated, means “muddy water,” an apt metaphor for a story about sexual abuse. And with a population of about 750,000, it’s more of a big small city than a small big one. When I was growing up, it was Canada’s fourth-largest city, but having gone through some very tough times it has now slipped to eighth. It is solidly working class, it can sometimes seem a little unsophisticated to outsiders, and its charms can remain somewhat hidden. But if you look just a little deeper, you will quickly see that it is also a magical place with so much to offer, a place of character, one you would never leave if you could just take the time to get to know it a bit better.

  Winnipeg is the quintessential Canadian city, a place known and loved by people who have lived there but misunderstood and underappreciated by those who haven’t. Winnipeg is, geographically speaking, where east meets west in Canada. It’s the kind of place that in winter it isn’t just cold but cold-cold. If you’ve moved away and then come back home to visit, you’ll think you remember how cold it can get but then realize as you take your first step out of the airport, and your lungs immediately freeze on taking your first breath, that you have forgotten how cold it really gets. Every day in the winter the newscasts give the number of seconds in which exposed flesh will freeze. Movies and stories about climbing Everest present the windy, freezing “death zone” near the top as a serious problem, but this is what Winnipeggers deal with for weeks on end every year. We Winnipeggers are tough. We walk in the freezing cold because we have what it takes to survive in Winnipeg, we prepare and we wear the proper clothing. We embrace the cold because that’s the type of people we are.

  Not everybody is strong enough to handle Winnipeg. Its only hill is artificial, a park created on top of an old garbage dump that is a great place to toboggan in the winter. Winnipeg has amazing summers, but they last for only a few very short months. The freeze-thaw cycle is so intense that the roads are continually destroyed by potholes that form when the ground warms again in spring. Winnipeg’s mosquitos are so bad that even in these enlightened times most people are in favor of aggressive chemical fogging, if only to allow us to kid ourselves into believing that the problem isn’t as bad as it really is. And as for things to do in The Peg, a prominent professional football player once said that the city was a nice place to live but that he needed to be traded away because he could only take his kids to the zoo so many times after he’d run out of things to do with them.

  But Winnipeg was a fantastic place to be a kid. With its long winters and outdoor natural ice to play on, it was an especially amazing place to be a young hockey player. Like all who grew up there, I am a proud Winnipegger, and we share a secret world with knowing references to the special ties that 7-11s, Slurpees, The Guess Who, BTO, socials, Neil Young, “going to the lake,” Sals, orbit, K-tel, the BDI, bumper shining, garbage mitts, and Sylvia Kuzyk all have to our city. A fatwa on any non-Pegger who may ever speak ill of my hometown.

  I see a lot of myself in Winnipeg. It’s the place where I grew up, where I first went to school, where I learned who I was, where I became a young boy with big dreams, where I learned to laugh and play. It’s the place I have in my mind when I look back on my life, the place where, as Garrison Keillor says, everybody was good-looking and above-average. And I have so many good memories of Winnipeg, of my house, my school, my friends, my little corner of the world where nothing went wrong, where all of us kids rode our bikes to the park around the corner, where we went down by Sturgeon Creek back before it was dammed and played in the mud, where we played in the snow, where we set up our pick
-up baseball games and the older kids taught us younger ones how to properly taunt the batter. It is that place we all have in our memories when life was perfect and we were kings, that we know we were a part of yet never really existed.

  I grew up in Winnipeg and I love it so much, but I don’t live there anymore. I love it from afar now because what happened there makes it very difficult for me to return. I want to go home. I make plans time and again to go back. But I can’t just click my heels together and make it all better because the storm, well, when it blew, it blew hard, and Dorothy sure wasn’t in Kansas anymore.

  MY PARENTS BOTH grew up in Saskatchewan. My mom, Patricia, came from a farm family that eventually acquired some property outside of the town of Pense. My dad, Michael, was from a family of athletes who, after leaving Ireland and landing in Montreal, made their way west to Regina, leaving behind a good portion of the clan in the jails of what is now known as Thunder Bay. After marrying in Regina, my parents set out for the relatively bright lights and big city of Winnipeg just in time to have me.

  Eventually we became a normal suburban family of five. I was the eldest of three children; my sister, Dawn, was born a year after me; and my brother, Doug, was born a year after that. We lived in a modest bungalow built the year I was born in a modest baby-boomer subdivision where the streets all had alliterative names: Amarynth, Alcott, Antoine, Alguire. It was decidedly upper-lower-middle class, but back then nobody really knew how the rich lived because, unlike today, we had only a small television window into their world, and we didn’t know anybody rich, so we never thought we were doing without. My parents were entirely average, and there was absolutely nothing that would have caused anybody to give them a second look. That was just fine by them and fine by us kids as well.

  My dad dropped out of high school after Grade Eight and then immediately took a job loading and unloading trucks with the Regina branch of Northern Electric Distributing. Eventually he moved up the ranks and became a salesman of electrical supplies to contractors. He stayed with Northern Electric and its distribution subsidiary Nedco until he retired. Think about that. He dropped out of school, never went to high school, took a menial job, and stayed with the company virtually forever. The thing is, I’m pretty sure that he hated every minute of his job from the day he started until just before the end, when he was finally given the chance to manage other people. He excelled at that. All his working life he had been a square peg in a round hole until it was almost too late. He was a large man with a soft smile. People liked him. He was gentle and kind-hearted, and yet he understood how to get things done and was firm when necessary. Turns out he had a great touch with people and was an amazing manager, a leader, somebody people wanted to perform for, somebody who was both liked and respected and who people didn’t want to let down.